Lesson: The Internet Owns You

Courtesy of WarGames

It seems fitting to start off this blog thing with the warning and flippant dismissal (how adolescent) that the internet is scary and dangerous. Seriously. Especially if your hormones are off the charts.

WarGames is, as far as I know, the only teen movie in which the Cold War plays a significant role.




In one of his first starring roles, the adorable Matthew Broderick explains to the adorable Ally Sheedy how it all works in the early 80's: "Each computer has a phone number, and when you dial one of those numbers, the computers can 'talk' to each other." Broderick shows off his prowess when he hacks into the high school computer server and changes Sheedy's Biology grade so that she doesn't have to go to summer school, and she is putty in his hands. Broderick, you slick bastard you.

Broderick continues to show off by hacking into what he believes is a computer game company, when in fact it is a US Military program designed to anticipate a Soviet nuclear attack. whoops. When Broderick and Sheedy play the game "Global Thermonuclear War," it leads the Military to believe that the Soviets have actually launched a nuclear attack. This leads to scary men in black sunglasses and earpieces chasing Broderick, throwing him into an unmarked van, and whisking him away to the military base for questioning.

Does this sound like a fun afternoon to you? Hell fucking no.

That's why I try not to fuck around with this "amazing innovation." I am probably the least internet-savvy person out of all of my friends, and I prefer to keep it that way. Sure, I do email. Sure, I do facebook. Sure, I read things online that are also in print form. But not much else. Do you know that in WarGames Broderick decides that "Global Thermonuclear War" is sort of weird and boring so he quits the game, only to have the military computer (affectionately named Joshua) decide that the game isn't over yet? Joshua rings Broderick's modem off the hook. "Computers don't call people," one of the scary military guys says to Broderick, who responds, "but yours did" while looking like he is going to pee his pants. Now with the advent of iPhones and Blackberries, a lot of people WANT their computers to call them. Only a few steps away to Global Thermonuclear War? You bet.

However, I must admit, the internet isn't all bad. In classic 80's teen movie style, the internet often finds the inner cool in the previously decided uncool. Would James Spader beat up this dude? Of course. But in the age of the internets, he's a star!

So, in the spirit of egalitarian awesomeness, this blog and my first experience with Blogger commences. While I admit I enjoyed many years of posting to LiveJournal, it has come to my attention that it has been SOLD TO THE RUSSIANS. Be careful what you post.